The Top 5 Ways to Make People Feel Important (and why you should know about it)

(by Amber Dembowski)

Have you ever felt like a third wheel or as if you didn’t belong?

Have you ever shared your input and then quickly regretted it?

Or how about, have you ever put a lot of time and energy into your work or into helping someone else, only for it to go unnoticed or unappreciated?

If any of these things resonate with you then this week’s blog is coming to you at the perfect time.

We’ll start with a lesson from Mary Kay, the founder of Mary Kay cosmetics.  She said that we should all pretend that everyone is wearing a sign around their neck that says “make me feel important”.

Mary Kay was 45-years old when she launched her cosmetic company.  She was a mother, who had quit her job, and whose husband had just died of a heart attack.

With a $5,000 investment Mary Kay launched her cosmetics in 1963, and by 2001 she had sales totaling over $200 million in 37 countries.

She contributes the success of her company to making others feel important, which makes total sense.  She ended up quitting her job prior to launching her cosmetic company due to the contrary - she didn’t feel important.  

How about you?  Have you ever not felt important?  If you connect with any of the opening questions of this blog, then the answer is a resounding yes.

I’m sure you remember a time when someone didn’t make you feel valued.  Remember those moments, and promise yourself to never make anyone else feel that way, because it’s often unintentional.  No one wakes up in the morning and makes a strategic plan to ruin your attitude for the day.  Sometimes even the best people unintentionally make others feel lesser.  

So, how can you ensure this is never you?  If people unconsciously do it, could you also be that person without knowing?

By the end of this article, you’ll have strategies to make sure this is never the case and you can thrive, making others feel important, just like Mary Kay.

This blog post was actually inspired by a situation that took place quite a few years ago when I was out of the building. The lead custodian was helping out by making a much-needed decision about dismissal and shared it out with the staff.  Let me preface this also by sharing it was a decision based on safety and was well-thought out.  Unfortunately, one of the teachers receiving the message stated, “Who gave you the authority to make this decision?  I’m a professional and can decide this on my own.”

A lot can be read between the lines of this words.  First off, the word authority sends a message that some of us are more important than others, rather than acknowledging that we all add value to the team.  Secondly, the phrase, “I’m a professional” appears to imply that the custodian is not a professional. Ouch, and ouch.

If we take a step back to really analyze this situation, both the custodian and the teacher were feeling ‘not important’ in that moment.  

The teacher felt as if the custodian didn’t trust her to make decisions with sound judgment, and the custodian felt as if the teacher was talking down to him.  

Everyone wants to feel important.  Everyone. When one person’s in charge, or one person’s making the decisions, or one person’s the point of contact communicating important information out – it becomes a balancing act.  There’s a character-code that you must lean into so that it becomes a win-win situation, and a mutually beneficial interaction, making everyone feel important.

Most of us learn to base our self-worth on comparisons and competition. We think about succeeding in terms of someone else failing—if I win, you lose; or if you win, I lose. Life becomes a zero-sum game. We all play the game, but how much fun is it really? Spoiler alert.  It’s not fun at all.

However, when we approach situations from the perspective that you’re important and I’m important, then life shifts from a competitive arena to a cooperative one. 

Here are some steps you can take to make others feel important on the daily:

First, be agreeable.  By that, I don’t mean to be a push-over, but, when you are generally agreeable and positive with others you are welcomed.  The teacher was argumentative with the custodian, challenging his authority -- and this most certainly did not make him feel important.

Her response could’ve potentially sounded like, “Yes, and if it goes well today, maybe we can consider doing it this way from here on out.”

The phrase, “Yes, and …” can be a game-changer in making someone feel important.

The second trait is to show your admiration.  When you show your admiration or gratitude towards someone else, they feel appreciated, valued and important.  

The teacher could’ve approached things differently and instead thanked the custodian for thinking ahead about everyone’s safety, but contrary to this, she demoralized his willingness to help out.

And the custodian wouldn’t have received such a cold response if he started with, “You always do such a great job of trying to keep your students safe at dismissal.  I think I thought of something that would help you even more with that.”

If you stick to those two essential practices you’ll be set.  But if you need more, here is my Top 5 countdown:

#5 -- Focus your energy on being interested.  And interested in a genuine way.  Ask great questions and encourage others to share their story with you.

For the teacher talking to the custodian, that might have sounded like, “That’s an interesting solution.  How did you come up with that?”

#4 -- Slow down and pay attention.  When someone is speaking, relax and listen rather than thinking ahead about how to respond.  Identify the other person’s needs and put your own needs aside.  Savor the connection you can make with the other person.  This hinges on leaving your own perspective to inhabit the perspective of another.

#3 -- Work on remembering the details of past conversations.  This is personally one I need to work on and be intentional with every single day.  For some people this comes naturally, and I admire those people so much.  For me, it is more difficult.  I’m constantly trying to get better in this area.

This time the custodian could’ve presented his solution using this strategy: “I heard you telling some of the other teachers that dismissal was becoming more and more unsafe for the students and families.  I started to think through that and here’s what I thought we’d try starting today.”

#2 -- Never pass up an opportunity to say thank you.  This speaks for itself.

And finally, my #1 way -- Be courteous and considerate of everyone that crosses your path.  When you treat a person with courtesy and respect, they immediately feel important.  To be considerate we are personalizing the conversation for them.  We are saying and doing things that are important to them, and when we do this we are connecting to their emotions.

According to Brian Tracy, making others feel important satisfies the deepest subconscious cravings of human nature.  People are 100 percent emotional. People decide emotionally and then justify it logically. But emotion comes first.  We’re pos­itively affected by people who say and do things that make us feel important and valuable.  When you develop the habit of doing and saying things that cause people to feel good about themselves, their lives, their work and their families -- not only will they feel good -- but all kinds of doors will open for you as well.

So as you go out and interact with a variety of people today, look down and notice their sign “Make Me Feel Important”.