(by Amber Dembowski)
Dealing with angry parents can feel like stepping into a battlefield. They might come at you with an “us versus you” mentality, making it easy to get defensive or feel misunderstood. But here’s the thing: their anger is only a surface emotion. Beneath it, there’s usually a deeper message that needs to be heard. That’s why finding a way to shift the conversation from confrontation to collaboration is crucial.
In today’s post, we’re exploring strategies to help you listen more effectively, share your perspective without escalating tensions, and ultimately build a better relationship with parents—even when their version of the truth doesn’t quite match up with yours. In situations like this, it’s your job to find levels of alignment so you can partner toward solutions.
That’s only possible if you’re willing to take a step back, focus on the core message, and truly hear them. Remember, they’re sharing their perspective, their truth—not thee truth. After all, who really owns thee truth?
Here’s an example of what I mean …
We have some good family friends who we’ve had several conversations with about what is on-time to you?
If you ask the father of the household, he’ll tell you that on-time means you show up 10 minutes earlier than the start time.
If you ask the mother of the household, she’ll tell you that on-time means you show up on time. If it starts at 8:00, you show up at 8:00. 7:59 would be acceptable. But there’s no need to be (insert finger quotes) ‘early’ .
If you ask their daughter, she’ll tell you that you can show up anywhere between 7:56 and 8:04 for an 8:00 start time, and still be considered on-time.
Who owns the truth here? I know where my truth lands among these three options, but that isn’t the truth for everyone.
Tips For Listening to Their Truth
What each of us believes to be true reflects our views or reality. When we ignore competing realities, and we choose to dig our heels in because of our familiar reality, we fail – and the conversation goes south rather quickly.
When we decide to step into their world, viewing the situation from their perspective – productive conversations can occur.
Where most of us get hung up is with this question: What is the truth?
Most of us find it easier to stick with the reality that we experienced and have chosen to define as the truth. But the honest to goodness deal here is that everyone owns a piece of the truth.
And since not one single person owns the truth – not you as the principal or teacher, and not the angry parent – it’s important to make sure everyone has a voice at the table … starting with the loudest. Which I’m guessing is the angry parent. Your job, at this moment, is to hear their truth, and not focus on their anger. To show concern, curiosity, and empathy for what they are sharing. Even when your truth is extremely different.
It’s important to listen for the real message. The real issue. When a person is upset or frustrated, what comes out first are surface emotions. The real issue generally comes later.
When a parent first comes at you upset about their child’s grades, what it might boil down to later, is that they didn’t know there was a problem to begin with and now they’re worried about Claire never getting caught up, wondering what this means and what to do next. It takes time to listen and reshape the conversation to discuss what is really helpful.
Tip For Sharing Your Truth
When there’s an opportunity to express empathy and ask questions, do just that. And when it feels like an appropriate time to share your truth, do that too – without any ‘buts’. I’m serious. Take out the ‘buts’ from the conversation.
Using the word ‘but’ will be perceived as a counter to their truth. It will sound as if their truth is wrong. Instead, replace ‘but’ with ‘and’.
Let’s try it. Here’s a response using ‘but’:
Mrs. Amar, I know that Shane came home telling you that he was innocently punched outside the doors right before school started, but we have the video footage from that incident.
Now, with ‘and’:
Mrs. Amar, I know that Shane came home telling you that he was innocently punched outside the doors right before school started, and we have the video footage from that incident.
Or how about this one, with ‘but’:
Craig, I know you’re frustrated with Claire’s grade in Math, but I have everything she’s turned in right here. Let’s take a look.
Flipping it to ‘and’:
Craig, I know you’re frustrated with Claire’s grade in Math, and I have everything she’s turned in right here. Let’s take a look.
Feels better doesn’t it? When you use ‘and’ their truth and your truth don’t sound like they’re competing. They just exist. They own a piece of the truth and so do you.
And yet, sometimes that shared truth isn’t enough. It may provide a better understanding, but (um, cough cough) … I mean, and … there’s more that must happen to rebuild a healthy and trusting relationship.
Tip For Extending Solutions
You must also ask yourself:
Are there things I need to address and clean up?
If yes, then:
When and how will I do that?
What do I need to clarify and commit to?
What is their role in this?
And when it’s a situation where you truly don’t know what you could do to help, you may just need to ask:
What is the ideal outcome for this situation?
What do you need from me?
How can I help?
The fact of the matter is, you may have some repeat offenders. The same parent, or parents, who will always look for faults and things to be angry about. Just like you will always have parents who genuinely want to maintain positive relationships but feel betrayed, maybe lack trust, and think they are the only ones advocating for their child.
I love this quote from Susan Scott. “Would you prefer to continue limping, or are you ready to remove the stone from your shoe?” The repeat offenders have grown to like the feeling of the stone. Treat them with respect, keeping in mind that their toes will always hurt. It’s a choice they’ve made. A choice of living in misery. You’re not there to remove the stone, you just happen to be someone that is on the same path that they are walking on.
All stones aside, when you approach the conversation from a perspective of wanting clarity on the truth you carry, it also opens up opportunities to apologize:
I’m sorry there was so much misunderstanding about the incident before school.
I apologize for not reaching out to share my concerns about Claire’s Math grade. That wasn’t fair to you or her.
And appreciation:
Thank you for taking the time to come visit about this.
Thanks for taking Claire’s missed work home. With the assignments she’s doing at home, and the reteaching here at school, we should be able to get Claire back on track.
At this point, you’ve listened, demonstrated empathy, asked questions, shared your truth, apologized, shared appreciation, and set up a plan for next steps … whew! But even if a situation is resolved and tempers cooled, the relationship may still remain strained. So the job isn’t done. It's time to start rebuilding.
Tip For Repairing the Relationship
After a difficult conversation, it’s even more important to keep parents in the loop. We tend to want to celebrate that we got through it and are scared to ever approach that parent again. But sending a quick email, making a phone call, or chatting with them at dismissal will show them that you are continuing to support their child’s success.
And during these brief check-ins, it’s always a good idea to ask for their input along the way.
Hi there Craig, today Claire was really engaged when working with her group on our daily math problem solving activity, so I didn’t pull her aside to work individually with me. Are you okay with that?
Caveat: If a parent makes you feel unsafe, or if the stone in their shoe seems to be getting bigger, it’s completely fair to set some boundaries, ask for help from others who can possibly intervene – or at least provide a buffer between you and this seemingly unresolved anger. And give yourself grace for trying to partner with this parent in productive ways.
Navigating tough conversations with angry parents isn’t easy, but by listening with empathy, sharing your truth with respect, and creating space for solutions, you can turn these difficult moments into opportunities for stronger connections. It’s not about winning an argument; it’s about finding common ground and rebuilding trust over time. Remember, a single challenging conversation doesn’t define your relationship. With patience, grace, and persistence, you have the power to reshape these dynamics and become an even stronger advocate for your students and their families.
So the next time you’re faced with an upset parent, take a deep breath, step into their shoes (even the ones with the stones), and start with understanding. From there, every conversation has the potential to be a step toward positive change.
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