(by Amber Dembowski)
On June 30, 2024, I closed my office door for the last time, walking away from the public school sector and a chapter of my life that had defined me for years. A chapter I loved—and continue to love. A chapter that will forever be woven into the fabric of who I am.
It was probably the hardest decision I've ever made.
The educators I worked alongside were extraordinary—dedicated, passionate, innovative. The district and community supported me in every way they knew how. I was living my purpose: positively impacting the lives of students, teachers, and families each day. I honestly loved almost everything about it—even much of the hard stuff.
And yet, I still left.
I left without my pension, with 8 years remaining before reaching Rule 85. I left without replacement income. I left with significant risks at stake.
The Tug of Something More
While I loved my work, I felt an undeniable pull toward something more. A sense that there was additional work for me to do in this world. I felt drawn to be available for my mom—who had been cycling through hospitals and living alone. (I'm actually typing this blog from the emergency room as I wait with her.) I felt compelled to prioritize my own health, which I had noticed steadily declining.
At the end of the day, the fear of not living into my fullest purpose, not spending precious time with my mom, and not finding a path to an even more healthy, fulfilled life became greater than my fear of financial insecurity.
Fear: The Hidden Driver
Fear. It's a remarkable force. I've come to realize that fear truly motivates us to act—or prevents us from acting. It's the catalyst behind every decision we make or avoid making.
And I've been thinking about this deeply for school leaders. What fears drive us? They're different for everyone and likely vary across situations:
Fear of not being liked
Fear of not being successful
Fear of not following the rules
Fear of not being needed
Fear of not being the expert
Fear of not knowing what you're doing
Once you understand your fear and how it drives your daily decisions, you become more aware of your inner landscape and begin to discover how it influences you and your school. Yes, your school.
As T.F. Hodge wrote, "What surrounds us is what is within us." Your school culture, which surrounds you, is directly correlated to what lies within you.
How Fear Shapes Your School
Your fear influences your relationship with your staff, yourself, and the choices you make. Anytime you're feeling stressed, rattled, anxious, or frustrated—it's because you're leaning into your fear.
When we flip our fear into a truth statement, it becomes a better, stronger foundation to lean into and work from:
I am worthy, whether everyone likes me or not.
I define my own success.
I trust my judgment about which rules matter.
My worth doesn't depend on being needed.
I value both learning and knowing.
I move forward bravely even in uncertainty.
Fear in Action
I've met with countless principals who describe "toxic" teachers in their buildings—educators who resist initiatives, refuse to collaborate, or bring negativity to the culture. When I ask these principals if they've followed up with the teacher to establish clear expectations, they invariably provide reasons why they can't or don't need to address the situation.
But what it really boils down to—they're leaning into their fears:
I fear I don't have my documentation in order, and it will backfire.
I fear other staff won't support my decisions.
I fear I won't be following protocol and will lose district office support.
I fear confrontation will just make things worse.
I fear I won't sound credible.
In other scenarios, I've worked with teachers who describe their principal as a micromanager, poor communicator, or condescending leader. These leadership behaviors, too, are triggered by fears:
I fear things won't get done successfully if I don’t have my hands in everything.
I fear teachers will realize I don't have all the answers.
I fear teachers will tune out if they hear from me too often.
I fear teachers will think I'm talking down to them if I over-communicate.
I fear teachers lack expertise because their experience differs from mine.
Your Setbacks Are Setups for Superpowers
Here's the good news: Our fears and setbacks aren't just obstacles—they're opportunities waiting to be transformed into your greatest leadership strengths.
The Leadership Paradox
The very things that make you feel vulnerable or inadequate often become your most powerful leadership tools when embraced rather than avoided. The principal who fears conflict might, through facing that fear, develop extraordinary skills in difficult conversations that transform school culture. The leader who worries about not having all the answers might, by embracing this uncertainty, create a school culture that values curiosity and collaborative problem-solving.
From Limitation to Liberation
Consider your most persistent leadership challenge—the situation that consistently triggers anxiety or hesitation. Perhaps it's:
Delivering difficult feedback
Delegating important tasks
Standing firm when faced with resistance
Making decisions without complete information
What if these very situations are precisely where your greatest leadership growth awaits? What if your awareness of these fears gives you an advantage that leaders who ignore their fears never discover?
The Transformation Process
The journey from fear to empowerment follows a pattern I've witnessed in exceptional school leaders:
1. Acknowledge the fear. Name it specifically, without judgment. "I notice I'm afraid of appearing incompetent if I admit I'm unsure about this curriculum change. It’s easier to blame the Director of Curriculum for the lack of understanding."
2. Flip the narrative. Create a new empowering truth that directly addresses your fear. "My willingness to collaborate and seek input demonstrates confidence, not weakness."
3. Take small, strategic actions. Challenge yourself to act in opposition to your fear, leaning into your flipped narrative.
4. Reflect and celebrate. Notice what happens when you act despite your fear. Document the actual (rather than imagined) consequences and celebrate your courage.
Real Growth Happens at the Edge
The most transformative growth in leadership occurs not when we're comfortable, but when we're at the edge of our comfort zone—that space where fear and possibility coexist. This is where your leadership superpower emerges.
I've watched school leaders transform their most significant challenges into their most distinctive strengths:
The principal who feared confrontation became known for having honest, productive and difficult conversations.
The administrator who worried about appearing unknowledgeable built a school culture celebrated for its commitment to continuous learning.
The leader who feared making unpopular decisions developed the courage to make principled choices that ultimately earned deeper respect.
Our fears serve an important purpose. They signal what matters to us. Understanding your fear leads to greater self-compassion and self-awareness that can transform how you lead your school.
Fear often hijacks your intentions. But once you flip that fear into an empowering truth statement, you no longer have to blame others, people-please, or feel powerless—and everyone in your school community will benefit from this shift.
The Ripple Effect
When you transform your relationship with fear, the impact extends far beyond your personal experience. Your staff begins to relate differently to their own fears because they witness authentic leadership that acknowledges vulnerability while demonstrating courage. The entire school culture shifts from fear-avoidance to purposeful risk-taking in service of growth.
This is the ultimate leadership gift—creating a community where setbacks are recognized as essential steps toward breakthrough, where fear becomes a compass pointing toward your next opportunity for growth.
I'm considering hosting a workshop for high-achieving school leaders who want to elevate their leadership through deeper self-awareness. If this resonates with you, or you think it's valuable, let me know by sending me a zero-risk, simple message HERE. I'd love to hear your thoughts.
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